Just Say No

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Have you ever gone to a nice restaurant for dinner, and the waiter inquires if you’d like fresh ground pepper for your soup or salad? Or after you’ve completed your order, the waiter asks, “Is there anything else that I can get for you?” Let’s just take those two dinner scenarios and for the sake of this blog, let’s say your response is, “No thank you.” And what if, after conveying your preference, the waiter asks you, “Well, why not?” Is it fair to say that you’d give the waiter a puzzled look?

Keep that image in your mind as you read on.

Ladies—to those of you who are reading this blog, if you like, for the next five minutes or so, feel free to check out your latest IG feed, or continue handling your personal business, or just finish watching the latest episode of POWER.

Because this blog is talking to the fellas.

Now men—gents—my dudes—let’s REALLY keep it 100 for a bit here. It’s OK; as you’ll see in the paragraph prior to this one, I’ve successfully distracted them. So, the coast is clear. Let’s talk.

Guys, we have to start saying no.

But “no” to what? Glad you asked.

We’ve got to start saying no to sexual encounters that are offered to us seemingly without a commitment of any kind.

I know, I know, I know—women are to blame here as well. No doubt. But I’m talking about us as men right now.

If I talk to another sister whose faith has been shaken by the countless relationships that ended not because she was misled, or that she gave of herself physically thinking the connection was going to lead to a committed relationship, I’m going to scream.

Here’s what I’m saying: Although both men and women are guilty here, it is my personal belief that we as men are far more the culprit than women. I’m suggesting that it’s not even close. And now—with sisters seemingly being available by the groves, so to speak, and there being a legitimate smaller number of black men to black women, some of us think it is time to have a field day. Not to mention that now that online dating is popular and quite mainstream, men can pipeline women and have a rotation going for years or even decades without any of the women in that rotation knowing.

Again—we have some trifling women out there as well, but we are talking exclusively with the guys right now.

Men—I know— sometimes women are just throwing it our way. And many of us have been cultured by the streets (and even in some cases, our fathers and uncles) that we as men NEVER turn “it” down when it’s offered.   Well, men, just think—as plentiful as it may be for us—just think if we say to a woman, “No thanks,” or “Nah—I’m good.” We know that she’s going to look at us strange in most cases. But just like that example with the waiter I used earlier, you don’t owe her an answer if she asks. Just walk away.

My bros—this is very important. We’ve got to change this narrative about us. And we need to start teaching our young brothers growing up how to maintain themselves and teach them that the greatest power or ability they can have is that of self-control.  Self-control, especially sexual self-control, is imperative. It also helps if we don’t put ourselves into situations whereby we don’t make it hard on ourselves. But far too often we find ourselves in situations with the opposite sex that lends itself to a sexual encounter without a commitment. Even if the woman says that she’s OK with it, in most cases they really are not. I’m not saying that a woman can’t get horny. I’m saying that in most cases if a woman is willing to have sex with you, she often time sees you as a potential partner. But again, even if it’s clearly communicated what the situation is, the “BUDDY” agreement always seems to go left. Then, what are we left with? Another sister who desires to be in a relationship and figures the premature sex is what’s needed to keep the guy engaged and interested in her despite her inner apprehension. So, when the relationship doesn’t evolve out of this interaction, here’s another woman who has given of herself to a guy and has moved on. You know how we are—we are good at making sure that we tell our sisters exactly what they want to hear to keep her solidified in our rotation.

Kings, we must stop this. It’s destroying our women and they ultimately continue to lose faith in us. Even when they think they are ready to move forward in pursuing a relationship with the right guy, the imprint of the damage can be so deep and pervasive that the legitimate guy is the recipient of the toll of the longstanding emotional abuse that she has endured.

So, men, it’s crucial that we incorporate the word no into our vocabulary a lot more. We must think about the big picture and not just the potential climax. Let’s save our women from themselves. Let’s not allow them to be with us sexually unless we are willing to be exclusive. This also goes for our behavior. Let’s not even flirt with our sisters to lure them if that’s not our true intent.

I know what I’m asking is hard. Some of you will argue that it’s impossible and maybe some of you are laughing at me. But we must preserve our women. They need us.

Ok, that’s all. Go tell those women that they can re-engage the blog now. I’m done talking to the men.




Photo Source: Freepik




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  • Donald Drake

    The concept is admirable and I believe you’re a hundred percent correct. We need to protect our women, some themselves.

    We need a moral Revolution, where women begin to seek and value good relationships – over capitalist and retail traps- beyond just talk. And there’s a lot of talking going on out there.

    But you were talking to Men. We have to do better and we should say no. We’d better, it’s got to start somewhere.

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