Sex and Intimacy Part 4: He Says / She Says

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Hello Keepers,

Here is Part Four of My Five-Part Series, Sex and Intimacy.  This topic is of major importance as there are so many definitions and interpretations of this topic and I wanted to offer some perspectives by discussing topics related to sex and intimacy that many of us have experienced, questioned, cherished, and even regretted. 

This week’s topic is He Says /She Says.

The definition I am using of this common phrase is the following: 

Conflicting reports from two or more parties on an issue, prototypically involving a situation between a man and a woman with no other witnesses

In today’s blog I will share a story from a man’s perspective and a woman’s perspective about how they met and developed an intimate relationship only to have it end. 

Let’s begin…

She Says

I still remember the day I first saw Kyle. I was at a social mixer talking to some friends and I spotted him walking with two beautiful women. He was well dressed and for whatever reason we made eye contact and I smiled at him. We did not speak to each other at all and the closest he came to me was to speak to the gentleman (a mutual friend) standing next to me to ask him a question. I did not know his name until the mutual friend sent out a flyer via email  to all of his friends mentioning that this gentleman was performing at a musical event with a gospel group. I decided to go to the event. I arrived a few minutes early and I waited until he looked my way and I walked up and to say hello. I extended my hand and said, “Hello, my name is Kayla and I am honored to meet you.” The gentlemen took my hand and kissed it and then took me in his arms and hugged and kissed me! I was surprised but also instantly turned on! Once he stopped holding me he said, “My name is Kyle.” I thought to myself, “Wow! I have never had a man I was meeting for the first time greet me like that !” Kyle asked me out on a date right on the spot. After a few weeks with coordinating schedules, we ended up going out on a wonderful first date at an upscale restaurant in Beverly Hills accompanied with a bottle of wine, and a walk around the Beverly Hills Shopping district with beautiful conversation during a warm summer night.

As I got to know Kyle over the next several months, I found out he had been married before with three children and was employed as a  Manager  for a Tech firm in Downtown Los Angeles. He had been through a tumultuous divorce and was in the midst of a child support/custody battle with his ex-wife. I knew to take things slow with him as I knew from past experience that men need time to heal from emotional and financial damage. I had been though it several times already with previous relationships.  I also knew to focus on myself as well, I was going through transition with changing jobs and also improving my physical and emotional health. I felt that if anything, Kyle and I could definitely build a solid friendship, if nothing else. We went out on fun dates and it was easy to enjoy each other’s company.  Our dates included walks in the park, the movies, walks at the beach, and even a couple of nice concerts. I invited Kyle to my place and I cooked dinner and watched movies with him. We shared our first official kiss after dating for a couple of months. After four months of dating, we were exclusively dating but both agreed to keep our relationship off of social media and share our relationship with only close friends and family. We became sexually intimate after we were exclusive and we had a wonderful connection.

After about a year of exclusivity, I began to wonder if Kyle was ready to take our relationship to the next step, but being a lady, I did not want to force the issue, I wanted things to be as organic and natural as possible. I stayed busy, I involved myself with other projects, but I began to feel like he wanted space so I gave it to him. Then, one day, a mutual friend called me and told me that Kyle was playing me: she said that although it was evident that he loved me, he was interested in other women as well as he was circulating and meeting other women. 

I was devastated to hear this news, how could this be? I was kind, committed, caring, flexible, and understanding. I met his friends, family  and even met his children. I fought with my conscious as to whether or not I should confront him. Should I say nothing and just disappear on him? I decided I should say something.  I was losing sleep at night and needed answers. 

I calmed myself down and decided to have the “talk” and I told Kyle that I loved him and wanted marriage. I knew that he loved me but my gut was telling me that he was still seeking something else. I told him that I was not trying to control his feelings but could only express mine. Kyle did not say much and told me he loved me and we ended up making love that night. I thought perhaps things were ok and I felt relieved that I said something. A few days later, Kyle sent me a text telling me that he thought about the things I brought up and wanted to meet and talk to me. I said ok and he postponed meeting with me in person for two weeks. I knew that what he had to share was more than likely not good when we finally would meet up so I prepared myself to hear the worst news ever.

Kyle told he that when we met he was really challenged emotionally and financially: he had a solid distrust of women after what he had been through with his ex-wife and he was recovering. He also told me how much he valued me but he felt that he could not marry me. He was shedding tears as he told me what a wonderful woman I was and that he knew that I loved him for who he was as so many women from his past did not have the same compassion for him as I did. I was devastated, he could not give a reason why he was ending things. I did not push him as I just assumed that he had a loss of attraction to me for whatever reason. It had happened to me before with other men from my past. I decided to let it go and respect his decision. I did not need to aggravate him with nagging questions about his decision, I had heard enough. 

I told him I was still his friend even though I was in deep pain and disappointment over his decision. 

As I moved forward with my life, I spent the next few months wondering why this happened and why Kyle could love me so much and then leave me. There was no way I could call him and ask him why, more than likely, he probably does not know why either.

Its been three months since I broke up with Kyle, I recently started dating again and I have met some nice men. I am trusting that the relationship with Kyle just was not meant to be. 

He Says

I remember seeing Kayla at an event that one of my friends put on. She was standing next to my friend and she caught my eye: Her face was quite beautiful, her essence was enchanting. She had such a nice figure: she was thick and very well proportioned. Her smile was engaging and I was trying to figure out how I could speak to her without offending my home girls I was hanging with that night. Although I did not speak to Kayla, I remembered her. I told my friend who hosted the party to email a flyer for my musical event to everyone included the nice woman he was standing next to. My friend thought nothing of my request, as I was known for being a ladies man since my divorce. To my delight, Kayla showed up at my musical event and I could not help myself: her essence was so attractive to me, I hugged and kissed her cheek before I barely heard her name. I could feel her surprise at first as she embraced me back but could also feel her relaxing in my arms as well…

Kayla agreed to go out on a date with me, and I was excited. I was flat broke, but she was well worth the date. I took her to a steakhouse in Beverly Hills and it was a fabulous first date. She was relaxed, fun, and she ate her food! I liked that as many women I dated in the past never eat but still complain about the food and it was always unnerving for me. She was witty and funny and I was very attracted to her. We found out that we had several good friends in common and we grew up just a few miles from each other. I could not help but touch her…we hugged and I kissed her cheek as I was saying goodbye. I felt a  connection with her but I was also cautious: I was not ready for a serious relationship as I was going through so much with my ex-wife in court, I was not financially stable, and I also had other women in my sphere who were enticing me with heavy duty options: I was uncertain about where I was headed in life and Kayla was a nice lady who deserved stability. 

As time passed, I could not stop or repel the organic attraction and connection I had with Kayla and I began to hang out with Kayla more often. I enjoyed her company and although she was already beautiful when I met her, she really began to take even better care of herself and she became even sexier. She was accomplished professionally as a Marketing Director and an amazing cook. I often had my kids with me when we would hang out and she embraced my kids wonderfully.  She was a good kisser and a fabulous sexual partner, she was kind, sweet, supportive and thoughtful. Some of my friends already knew her and for the ones that did not, I told them about her. 

I was so torn: I was still getting so many enticing propositions from women and as angry and emotionally damaged as I was, my state of mind was also confused about what I should be doing with my life. A part of me wanted to push Kayla away as I felt she did not deserve me in the state of mind I was in, but another part of me could not bear the thought of her being with another man.  I tried to mask this from Kayla but she could sense that something was going on with me. 

Finally, the Sh*t hit the fan, Kayla confronted me about my mixed signals and put me on blast:  I could no longer hide my confusion and she deserved the truth. I loved and valued her so much and hated to see the pain I caused her with my indecisiveness. Why couldn’t I just move forward and marry this beautiful woman who loved me unconditionally? Why couldn’t I just let go of trying to seek other options with women? Now that Kayla knew what was going on, would she take me back? Can I really handle losing her?

I decided to end the relationship with Kayla not because I did not love her, but because of my pride. I could not handle the possibility of her not trusting me and ending things so I ended the relationship. 

Although I ended things, I felt pain as well and as much as I have tried to put up a front, it’s been real hard.

It’s been three months since I broke things off with Kayla, and I hope she meant it when she said she would remain friends with me. I  will always love her for the support and encouragement she gave me during our time together, but I am not sure I would ever regain her trust again.

I met someone new recently and she actually bears a superficial resemblance to Kayla, I just started dating her and I am still getting to know her. 

I guess time will tell if I really made the right decision. 

Discussion

Keepers, would you recommend that this couple get back together? If yes,  What obstacles need to be removed to make this relationship successful? If no, why?

Stephanie

Stay tuned for the final topic:

Part V: Relationship Goals

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Comments
  • Tyhese Sanchez

    This was a love life lesson learned. No this couple should not get back together because Kyle should make sure he’s healed from past relationships including his marriage. He can decide what he wants–to be single then he needs to be transparent and upfront with the women he’s dating so they can decide for themselves or if he’s open to a real connection that leads to a meaningful relationship then it would be healthy for him to start living a life that leads with love and respect of himself and the women he chooses to date going forward.

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