It’s not an uncommon question.
That is, how do I know that I’ve found the “one?”
And for the sake of this blog, I’m not necessarily making a judgment if the man is asking the question or the woman. Even if the man is the one in hot pursuit, the woman still must decide if she wants to be with him exclusively. So, they are both sort of selecting one another.
But this isn’t the question that I’m asking you to consider—I’m asking you to consider how you can determine if the person pursuing you sees you as the one.
I’ve got three ways to offer how you might be able to come to this conclusion. I’m not saying that these three ways represent the sum total of establishing this level of certainty. But I think you and most people will agree that it’s a good start.
And guess what? It’s not rocket science.
- You don’t have to wonder. I often scratch my head when a man or woman is in some sort of grey area where they stand with a person. Maybe their actions make it convincingly clear that they want you exclusively. Well, there’s nothing wrong with verifying that verbally with clear, concise and basic language. Let’s take a stab at it just for the sake of some of you out there that may not quite grasp this concept. “So, John—you want to see me exclusively which means we don’t date nor pursue anyone else of the opposite sex, correct?” Now as basic and straightforward as this question is, you’d be amazed at the number of times a response has been, “Well, what exactly do you mean?” Or perhaps, “Wow, I hadn’t thought about it that way.” Let’s see—you two have been exchanging bodily fluids for weeks now but there’s still ambiguity. If this is the situation that you’re in, just know that he or she gets down like that and you’re just one of many.
- They completely cannot fathom you being with someone else. Fade into that old R & B joint by Nivea featuring Brandon Casey of Jagged Edge—Don’t Mess with My Man. You know the song: Both Nivea and Brandon Casey make strong cases that you better stay away from their man and girl. Who can forget the part of the song when Brandon Casey says, “Oh what the…hell naw!” When a man or woman is clear about what they want, you essentially become their “possession” of sorts. Every aspect of who you are and what you are belongs to them. And the depth of that ownership they refuse to let anyone even remotely think they have access to you. I’m certainly not advocating for a control freak either. But there’s a healthy understanding that the two of you are inseparable and exclusivity is written all over his or her face.
- They can be vulnerable with you. That means in a variety of ways he or she becomes defenseless around you. They let you in emotionally. They are quick to apologize. They share fragile aspects of themselves and they trust that you will dignify their gesture. And, they are willing to risk emotional things around you. They will tell you that you’ve hurt them. They will tell you that they are scared. They are willing to adjust to you and listen to your concerns or fears.
Now let’s say that you’re not getting any of this from the person that you’re with. It does not mean that you should discard them. Maybe it’s early in the relationship and you’re still in the assessment zone. But if it’s been 6-9 months and you’re still having major questions about this, give it another three months and then reassess. If you are still in the dark after four seasons, you need to decide if you want to remain on that hamster wheel and continue the Okey-doke with him or her or maybe it’s time to go a different route.
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